InsaneJournal

Because you know you miss my insomniac posts.
For instance, remember that Angel and Spike are Harry and Draco thing? I really, really want to write more of that.

In which Hermione says, "I don't care if you're an undead two hundred year old vampire or not, stop playing with your hair and get to work. Also, try this shampoo." And Angel decides Hermione is not Wesley after all, but Cordelia. He sort of sniffs her hair after that when she's not looking. But of course it smells like the shampoo, so he sniffs shampoo. Only sometimes, on the sly. Angel is weird. And now that he's lacking a Wesley, he seriously considers Ron for the role, seeing as how there's only a letter difference in the name. But despite the British accent Ron persists in being unWatcherly. Then Angel sort of looks up at Ron's towering height and sort of sideways at his "Gee guys, sometimes I feel so useless" and it dawns on him finally that Ron is Gunn.

Meanwhile, Spike catches sight of Luna, and seeing as how he's still stuck on Narcissa, asks, "Well, she's not my mother, is she?" And Pansy says, "Well, no. But she's a trifle mad." And Spike says, "I'm into that." And then there would be Spike trying to decide whether Luna would like rosebuds or eyeballs best to begin their courtship of eternity. And also Spike ends up being friends with Ginny, because you know, him and those red headed witches just understand each other. And furthermore he decides Neville is Xander, which is annoying, but not so bad after all. And then, so he and Neville and Ginny plot to steal the Sword of Gryffindor from Snape's office, and Spike is a hero. But Spike sees Snape brooding in there afterwards, and they converse, and eventually Spike points out, "You know, if your whole basis for morality is the love of a woman, I've got a word or two of advice . . ."

The rate at which I come up with ideas is alarming. (The rate at which I execute said ideas, say oh never, is also alarming.) For instance, there should be a series of stories or a book about Arthur, Lance, Gwen, and Gawain. They are British boarding school students who fight crime. Their stories are amazingly similar to that fic I'm still writing, Man's Best Friend (Arthur being Angel, Lance being Spike, Gwen being Nina, and Gawain being Illyria). Arthur is there on scholarship or some such. Lance is a prissy aristocrat. They hate each other at first. Gwen is from the girl's boarding school just across the lake and Gawain is possibly Goyle from Harry Potter (Arthur is also Harry and Lance is also Draco, you see). Anywho, at first Arthur and Lance really hate each other and fight over Gwen a lot, but Gwen is a Liberated Woman and the hero of the piece. She holds Arthur and Lance in the palm of her hand. And Lance holds Gawain in the palm of his (except for the whole part where Gawain is in love with Arthur).

You see where this is going. Arthur is the Once And Future King . . . of football or maybe rugby and there's lots of scabby knees and Gwen being Super Spy and Hermione-ish. But who exactly their Arch Enemy is is uncertain as I have vast amounts of sympathy for Mordred and Morgan, those goth kids at school no one likes. Maybe there is an evil headmaster.

Notice how I call "ideas" just taking the same stories and characters and giving them new names. Except none of the names are new. I am unoriginal and bland. Except for all these ideas, which are unoriginal and cool.

And now, a million bajillion Harry/Draco fics which I have either started and will probably never finish, or will never even start. I just want them out of my head, but they will not go. These are really rough ideas so full of RANDOM and rambling that you'll choke, probably. So, you know, hand at the level of your eyes, and that.

-The one in which instead of killing Dumbledore, Draco’s task sixth year, given to him by Voldemort, is to seduce Harry Potter. OMG why has no one written this?

-The one where Narcissa, and to some extent all the Malfoys, have realized that everything they do, they do for family. And Narcissa visits Bella’s grave, and sees Andromeda in the distance. And so Narcissa decides to make up with Andromeda. But she knows the latter resented the way Narcissa and Bellatrix disowned her, so she has no reason to have anything to do with Narcissa. To play on her sympathy, Narcissa sends Draco to try to make peace. Andromeda allows him to visit (because she refuses to blame the child, though she still blames the mother).

Andromeda also allows Harry to visit his godson. Of course, sometimes his visits and Draco’s coincide. And Teddy, when he can talk, calls Harry Uncle Harry and Draco Uncle Draco. And they fight over Teddy but try not to let Teddy know about it. And they take him out for ice cream together because they won’t let the other one do it alone because they both want to be Teddy’s favorite. And there’s TENSION. Over the ice cream.

And Andromeda doesn’t like the Weasley’s, because the matriarch killed her sister. Turns out that Andromeda, even though she really resents Narcissa and Bellatrix, hates them even, insults them, ignores Narcissa’s overatures of friendship—still does see them as family in her own way (there needs to be an emphasis on the Black sisters and family—i.e. Narcissa’s seemingly single-minded devotion to Draco).

And Harry, trying to give Teddy a good upbringing (really identifies with him, being an orphan) spends lots and lots of time with Teddy so that Teddy knows that he is loved, and Harry thinks Andromeda is a little cold, and that Draco is of course no good for Teddy. So anyway, Harry, feeling obliged to spend so much time with Teddy, brings his girlfriend over lots so he can spend time with her too, but Andromeda obviously doesn’t approve, her being a Weasley. Which makes her a hypocrite, allowing for Draco’s innocence but not Ginny’s, but Draco is family, and also, Ginny has let slip nasty things about Bella. For that matter, Andromeda doesn’t even like Harry that much, but allows him for the sake of Nymphadora’s wishes.

So to get to spend more time with Teddy, and try to get in good with Andromeda so he can spend more time with Teddy, Harry stops bringing Ginny, which means he spends less time with her and she argues with him over it—about spending too much time with someone else’s family instead of his own. And she means the Weasley’s are his family, but he takes it to mean a family with her, which is whoa, a lot of pressure. So there’s tension there and Teddy is kinda an escape for Harry, too.

But anyway to placate her and show that Teddy isn’t someone else’s family, and because he wants to, Harry wants to take Teddy to the Weasley’s for Christmas. And there’s an argument with Andromeda in which maybe Ron and Gin are there too and nasty things get said about both Bella and all three of the Malfoys, and possibly Regulus, and the Black Matriarch in Grimmauld Place, and stuff. Andromeda flounces off and goes straight to the Malfoys.

But the problem is she stays there! Just to spite Harry (and she thinks, by extension, the Weasleys). So she patches things up with Narcissa, but it’s all kind of strained, since she’s doing it just as much to make a point to Harry and his than it is to make up with Cissy. There’s kind of an issue of guardianship here—I’m his grandmother/I’m his godfather, Andromeda and Harry arguing who gets to make Teddy’s life decisions. And Andromeda is convinced Harry doesn’t actually care that much about Teddy, and thinks Harry won’t dare to come to Malfoy Manor.

But Harry does, on Boxing Day I think, and although he’s obviously pissed off at what Andromeda has done, he’s fairly polite about it, knowing he won’t get the chance to be with Teddy unless he plays nice. So he actually spends some of the hols with the Malfoys. Maybe he even brings them a fruitcake.

And he has to keep visiting there for a while, because eventually Andromeda and Narcissa really do patch things up and maybe Lucius is in Azkaban? Andromeda thinks Lucius is a git anyway and Narcissa gave up on Andromeda because Bella and Lucius pressured her to, which is no excuse, but she’s always been the youngest weakest one, just wanted to make everyone happy? And when she couldn’t have Andromeda and Bella went mad and her husband is actually not quite the man she married, of course all Narcissa’s affections pour straight into Draco.

Anyway, so Harry and Draco get to know each other as they humor Teddy and stuff. Need to figure out whether this occurs after school, and what Harry and Draco are doing after school? And whether Draco goes back, etc?

And then more has to happen, I don’t know what, possibly stuff involving cracking down on former Death Eaters, in which the Malfoys are put at risk.


-The one where Draco accidentally takes a love potion, and accidentally falls in love with . . . Hermione. Who tries to keep it a secret from Ron, because she knows Ron would be utterly unreasonable about it. So she secretly meets with Draco to try to fix it. Ron and Harry know something wrong with her and she at last tells Harry. Harry feels a sense of resignation—it’s always going to be Draco, he’s always going to have to save Draco, Draco is pratically his responsibilty. But he tries to tell Hermione not to protect him anyway. And Draco steals a kiss (from Hermione) and Harry finds out about it and also finds himself . . . curious. And Hermione starts to say things like, he’s really alright, and eventually that is what makes her afraid to tell Ron.

And anyway Ron eventually finds out and it’s bad because Hermione still wants to hang with Draco, as a friend, and Ron is like he’s in love with you! You don’t like him, he’s not a friend, and he’ll try to take advantage of you! But Hermione both feels sorry for him and likes him, so Draco hangs out with them sometimes. And Harry watches Draco loving Hermione and first sneers, and then and then…And Draco is really awkward with Harry and Ron, because it’s obvious he still doesn’t like them but wants to try to be nice to them for Hermione’s sake, but also knows his feelings for Hermione are just the love potion, so doesn’t really want to be nice to them either, but he tries anyway. And he’s better at being nice to people he doesn’t feel quite as much animosity for—he and Ginny actually get on great, and him and Luna are really really funny. And there’s Teddy, who Draco wants to see and befriend not because of Hermione at all, but because it’s family. And Harry realizes how Draco is with Teddy is the first real emotion he’s seen from Draco.

Also, it comes out that Draco is gay, which makes being in love with Hermione even more humiliating for him, and makes Harry even more curious.

I think I’d like it to be something where the potion slowly starts to kill/harm you if the love you feel is unrequited. And Draco starts falling apart, and only Harry can/will stay with him.

POSSIBLY. Sex slows down the deteriorating functions of the potion. Of course, it’s best if the sex is with the person you’re in love with under the potion. But either Hermione finds out sex with anyone does improve your condition a little, even if not as much as with the one you love, even if neither is an antidote. Either that or Harry just has a theory and wants to try. Either way Harry has sex with Draco to try to “help” him. Or maybe it’s that one of the effects of the deterioration is that you’re constantly, debilitatingly horny. So, obviously sex with anyone helps, even if sex with the person you’re potioned to love is the most satisfying. So Harry has sex with Draco, and it helps Draco some, but Draco needs lots and lots of it. And he’s really—like, desperate, and Harry can’t satisfy him because Harry’s not Hermione, but it does make Draco feel a little better so he really wants to do it with Harry, but he hates the fact that it’s Harry. And the thing is, Harry is being satisfied, he’s enjoying it, he loves the sex, but knows Draco doesn’t really want him and it’s so frustrating, and he tries to make Draco be with him there and not in dreams of Hermione, and tries to satisfy Draco, and tries to do thinks Draco will like, tries to have sex as often as Draco needs it. But Draco is raw and desperate and in pain and going insane.


-The trilogy. (non DH-compliant)

1) The year following book seven, the Wizarding World suffers a severe backlash against anyone involved in the war. The Ministry targets Death Eaters, anyone remotely suspected of being a Death Eater, and anyone with any connections to Dark Arts. Draco Malfoy, in attempts to help the one last remaining member of his family escape this fate, joins with Harry Potter and friends, who remarkably find themselves on the side of those whose rights are being infringed upon.
2) The aftermath of the war and subsequent Death Scare are over, but their casualities are still causing confusion and damage. The problem becomes literal when the dead from the war and trials arise and begin to attack the living. Harry, with Draco’s help, must find the source of their terrible power, and come to terms with the wrongs of the past.
3) The Wizarding World rebuilds after the last echo of Voldemort’s power is vanquished, and in the midst of reconstruction, Harry and Draco build their own relationship. Loss is replaced by hope, but the balance is difficult to strike, both for Harry inwardly and the Wizarding World at large. The very magic of the earth is at stake as Harry attempts to control is own newfound power. Wizards must learn to accept their changed world, and compromises must be made.


-The Durmstrang One. Draco’s mother died when Draco was ten, and so no obstacle remains before Draco being sent to Durmstrang. Draco, recovering from grief over his mother and attempting to overcome fear of foreign circumstances, is even more arrogant and off-putting than in his first year at Hogwarts. Not knowing anyone, and no one knowing him, he is all but shunned by the well known students and is forced to take up with a small band of rejects. But while Draco eventually softens and learns that goodness is not inherent in parentage, blood, and wealth, he bears a chip on his shoulder for all that he believes should have been due a Malfoy.

At the Triwizard Tournament, he is determined to prove his worth by befriending Harry Potter, believing that had Draco gone to Hogwarts, he and Potter would have been best of friends and Draco would have been recognized as worthy in the eyes of his classmates, unlike at Durmstrang. Due to Ron’s animosity at the beginning of the Tournament, Harry is open to Draco’s overatures of friendship, but the path is rocky due to Draco’s father’s actions and the eventual repairing of the friendship with Ron.

The friendship is continued by means of letters.


-The time travel one. Draco comes from a future in which Harry Potter died at the end of his seventh year, and Voldemort has reigned terror for ten subsequent year. During those ten years, Draco served Voldemort, then worked as a spy, then moved underground to run a resistance platform. Eventually he was taken by despair and the belief that victory was impossible, because even if Voldemort was defeated, the ten years of slavery have ruined the world he knew. Realizing that if the prophecy had come true and Harry Potter had defeated Voldemort when he tried, none of this would have happened, Draco goes back in time to correct the mistake.

In the past, Harry is seventeen and searching for Horcruxes. There he mistakes the future Draco for Sirius Black, because Draco has died his hair dark to hide his identity among the resistance group. Harry quickly learns who Draco is, but more slowly comes to believe that he really is a future Draco while the Order holds him in custody and pumps him for information. Draco, while still his arrogant, sneering self, does everything he can to help the Order so that eventually they come to trust him.

Draco refuses to tell them more about the future, stating it breaks time laws and so on. Whenever Harry questions him, he makes up different stories about what the future is, but all of them hint at a time in which Voldemort is defeated, Harry is happy, and that Harry of the future sent Draco back in time because Harry of the past used future Draco to defeat Voldemort in the first place. This is part of why the Order comes to accept Draco’s story—they believe it has all happened before, and Draco’s hemming and hawing around the subject make them believe it is even more true.

Draco’s elaborate stories, though different all the time, begin to be a ‘verse of Draco’s own in which the future is hunky dory, and the more time he spends with Harry and the Order, the more his own desires become incorporated in the stories. The stories are always sardonic, humorous, melodramatic, satirical, but at first they were designed to tempt Harry with a world in which he is victor, but later they become the world of which Draco secretly dreams. He almost half believes it himself, in the end.

Harry, hearing about his own future, tries to see through Draco’s fantastic to lies to what might really happen in the future, but fails miserably, instead only believing what he wants. He becomes convinced that in the future world where he has defeated Voldemort, he and Draco are lovers. While Draco has hinted this both to be nasty and due to his own undiscovered feelings, he has never said as much, and is surprised when Harry claims he knows what Draco’s been hiding in all his stories. But while Draco denies that this is so, his fictional tales begin to hint even more that there is a relationship between he and Harry in the future, until Harry becomes convinced Draco is in love with his future self and missing him.

Harry, thinking he is acting out of generosity, tells Draco he will be with him now, and Draco, claiming there is nothing between them but pretending that there is and that he wants it very much, finds out that he actually does want it very much. Harry’s attempts at bravado, to be the 27 year old he think Draco misses, to know what Draco wants, all at odds with Harry’s youth, inexperience, and intense desire for now that have nothing to do with generosity, cause Draco to pretend to break down and tell Harry about the future. Elaborate fantasies in which they make love in every way every day, and about how the future Harry was not a virgin for Draco but Draco realizes now Harry was only ever his and that when he gets back to the future he is going to kill him and so on.

It’s only in the final battle, where Draco dies, instead of Harry, that Harry realizes that this, too, was a lie, and that Draco lives in a future where Harry is dead.


-The winter wonderland one. Voldemort “wins”, in that Harry does not defeat him, and humanity is on the run. And for some reason it’s winter, and Harry and Draco are in a resistance together.


-(non DH compliant, I don’t know) H/D Cameron/Chase style. Harry and Draco work together, aren’t friends, aren’t enemies. Hermione is possibly Foreman. Snape is possibly House, wherein Harry isn’t in love with him, but had to believe there was good (Riddle) in Voldemort to save him, and comes to believe there’s good in Snape. And is stubborn about it. That is, Harry hates Snape with a passion, but is always digging digging digging trying to find that good self, believing in it. Does it in all their enemies, too, like in their case work. But doesn’t do it with Draco. Is just…annoyed by Draco, just accepts him, Draco is just there, not evil so beneath his notice, and not good either so beneath his notice. Hermione is actually possibly Cuddy and there might be a hint of SS/HG. Foreman is who, then? I want an objective third party!

Anyway, Harry’s lonely, he’s been doing this for years, and he’s tired of not having time for relationships, not having time to date, etc, and so proposes having casual sex with Draco. Who says sure, okay. Because Draco’ll do anyone and that’s been established. Or maybe the first time is just like Cameron and someone tells Harry he never has any fun and he tries it and there’s a long period where like Cameron, no more, then yes more.

Then Harry wants it all the time and everywhere and is terribly kinky about it and poor Draco just gets swept along and everyone keeps haranguing him about Harry’s feelings, and Draco has it bad, at first just the little things like the hairs curling over Harry’s neck and the way Harry straightens his glasses, but then worse things, like how Harry saves people and Harry’s trying to see the good in everyone and Draco hopes Draco prays that Harry’s going to save him too. And the sex with Harry starts to feel dirty because while Harry is so busy seeing the good in everyone else, he’s in the bedroom seeing the bad in Draco, telling him he’s dirty and a whore and cheap and stuff because that is what turns them on, but it has become a reality for Draco and he hates it and believes it and desperately still wants Harry to save him from it.

But Harry doesn’t realize the depth of it of course and breaks it off when Draco once and clumsily makes a move for more. And at first Draco tries, actually tries, is even nice and gets Harry things and is sweet and vulnerable and Harry thinks so many things it could be, but never the truth. Then Draco tries to be evil, because apparently Harry only goes for the broken ones (oh, show how Ginny was Harry’s project, how she got used brutally and was mental and everyone knew she was going to off it but Harry married her anyway. JUST LIKE CAMERON), but Draco fails at that, too. Until Draco goes back to being normal, like nothing is wrong, and Harry finally comes to him and it’s Harry who needs to be saved. From his savior complex, and denying himself pleasure—which is of course why he went to Draco in the first place, but he didn’t know he was denying himself emotional pleasure too.


-AU in which Draco grabbed the tiara, instead of Harry, in Battle of Hogwarts. Draco got burned by the fiendfyre when he does, and because it’s magic, it’s burning him from the inside still after they land. Hermione says there’s no way to stop it. Harry remembers a HBP spell and turns Draco’s legs to stone.

Draco ends up with one and a half legs stoned, and half of his upper body, one arm, and half of his face uglified with burns. And there’s something like…Draco could’ve been cured, but now that those parts are stoned they have to stay stone or Draco will die.

Harry feels so guilty about it, he visits Hogwarts, where Draco is kept first, then St Mungo’s, then even the Manor. He even tries to be nicer because he feels so bad. And Draco knows it’s just guilt and pity and hates it and won’t stand for it. But Harry gradually realizes Draco isn’t that bad and in fact really starts to actually want to be his friend and wish that he hadn’t been hurt so they could’ve developed a friendship under normal circumstances.

Harry tries to tend Draco’s wounds and stuff, help him wash and go to the bathroom, and in a sudden panic of modesty, embarrassment, shame, and resentment of Harry, Draco tells Harry he’s gay, thinking it will scare Harry away (because he’s convinced Harry doesn’t really care about him). Harry believes him, but instead of getting scared away, he gets curious/interested.

(During this part where he is falling in love with Draco, his friends are surprised he’s spending so much time with him. But eventually they accept. But Ginny notices how much time Harry spends with Draco, and Harry, confused about his dawning feelings, kind of rebuffs her while he figures it all out. And so one time when they’re all out together Ginny ends up with Blaise. And at first she just feels about him the way she did with Michael and Dean, just a way to have fun while she waits for Harry. But then she realizes what she really wants is Blaise.)

Once or twice Draco mentions about no one wanting him or desiring him. But one time he does it and then Harry kinda clumsily kisses him. And Draco freaks out. And Harry thinks Draco thinks Harry’s just pitying him and it’s guilt, because Draco still believes that’s the only reason Harry’s there. And Harry’s kissing him all over and murmuring it’s not guilt it’s not pity I want you I want you so goddamn much god, let’s—and Draco’s flailing around and shouts he’s not gay. And he has to say it several times in several ways with explanations for Harry to suddenly realize Draco’s serious. And then Harry’s stunned and Draco is vicious, mocking Harry and having fun at Harry’s expense.

It’s true to some extent. Draco did just tell Harry he was gay to scare him off. And Draco freaked out at Harry touching him like that because Draco does think he’s not gay, and he was just so surprised (and scared and ashamed). Harry sucks it up and feels bad because he didn’t befriend Draco for sex after all and Draco must be feeling really used, so he goes back and apologizes and Draco. And Draco’s still making fun of him and sneering, but seems very vulnerably somehow. And for a little while Harry still holds out hope that Draco might just be lying. Every time Harry touches Draco right after that Harry thinks he sees—but no, Draco never gives him an inch and Harry realizes he was very mistaken.

But then Draco realizes he might like Harry back. But by the time Draco realizes this, it’s too late. Draco gets more and more bitter and hateful as Harry gets less and less hopeful (as if Draco can sense his chances slipping away).

Draco convinces himself Harry’s attempts at seduction or whatever were just a fluke (possibly as a result of Harry finally realizing he’d lost Ginny, and being on the rebound), and that Harry has now realized it was all a mistake and isn’t even gay. Harry tries to go on with his life, and from what Draco can tell, only dates women. Eventually Draco comes to believe that Harry isn’t just doing this out of guilt—that maybe it began that way, but now they’re really friends. And it’s around then that he becomes resigned to not having Harry as a lover, and Draco’s bitterness and meanness melts away, and he thinks it was never to be. He’s at peace with it, or so he thinks.

Then Harry starts to get really serious about this other woman. And Draco thinks he was completely over Harry, but he realizes it was never really over, and a part of him feels a pang, feels sad, feels jealous. But he knows Harry’s not gay and never really wanted him, and Draco cares about him enough that he realizes with a start that he wants Harry to be happy. So it’s kind of a nostalgic feeling, like Draco wishes he could’ve had Harry but never could have so it’s all for the best. And Harry gets really serious about this woman (I think it’s Daphne. And he just took her home one night, like Ginny did Blaise, and there's a lot of comparison between the two.) He’s going to propose. And Draco once again realizes everything happened the way it should, Harry obviously wants a woman and a family and someone who is not him, obviously wants Daphne, and he’s still surprised to find that he’s just happy Harry’s happy.

So Harry’s talking to Draco about Daphne and says he’s going to propose. And Draco says, well, considering the way things turned out, he wished he’d taken the shot at Harry when he had the chance. He says it jokingly. It’s both true and untrue—he’s glad he didn’t have to lose that, but hates the fact that he could’ve had it, if only for a little while, and didn’t take it. And Harry goes still, and says, what? And Draco’s really easy about it, it was a long time ago, and he’s all, remember when you thought you might be gay for me and stuff? Well, after you left I realized I wanted you back, but by then it was too late. Kinda held a torch, you know…

And Harry goes a bit ballistic, like, I could have had you and you lied to me and didn’t tell me, and don’t say you didn’t have a chance because I loved you for years, I waited for you, and you never wanted me you never did and I was okay with that and stuff. And of course it all eventually gets resolved, though Harry hates Draco for a while and Draco is just in shock, doesn’t know whether he can make it up to Harry and whether he should try, doesn’t even feel like he did before when he was so bitter and he had done so well at accepting everything, and what Harry said just brings it all back, and he tears up his place as best he can in a wheelchair, and realizes God he was so fucking stupid, if it hadn’t been for his fucking pride he could have—but it all works out. Harry forgives him and finally gets to touch him which is just so earth shattering for both of them. Oh and possibly it comes out only then that Draco’s a virgin, which was part of why he was so scared and had such a knee jerk defense when Harry tried to touch him before, and Draco’s terrified and Harry calls him stupid and God, cannot get enough of him. Oh!

-THE PRISON FIC. Ha. Where Draco is an Unspeakable or whatever, undercover in Azkaban. Azkaban has changed a lot and is run a lot like a Muggle prison, except of course not. There are lots of former Death Eaters there and possible plots about new dark lords or bringing Voldemort back. Anyway Draco has been in deep cover there for like two years. Harry’s an Auror and comes in undercover, but doesn’t know that Draco is undercover, thinks he’s a Death Eater. Harry’s cover is that he’s gone kinda crazy since saving the world, and “got too dangerous” and had to be sent to prison. The Aurors and stuff he’s “killed” are really in hiding as a part of Harry’s cover (including possibly Hermione). Anyway at first, Draco thinks he’s undercover, lots of the prisoners do. So Harry has to “prove” himself. Okay and then there’s prison sex.


-(non DH compliant) the one with the Veritaserum. I’m not sure where this one starts, because this part feels like backstory. Harry defeats Voldemort but in doing so becomes more powerful. In some ways dark, unstable, unable to control things. Becomes and Auror, is with Ginny, but then takes Auroring too far (kills a bad guy, instead of arresting him, gets a coworker caught in the cross-fire, something. Or this could be the one where he kills Dolores Umbridge with his brain.) And he takes Ginny too far—or his side of it; that is, his chest monster gets out of control. He’s insanely jealous, possessive, controlling of her, knows it’s bad, knows he can’t stop. He feels like the clawing in his chest could make him kill anyone who looks at her, or maybe Ginny herself, and the true terror here is he doesn’t know if this is something Voldemort did, if this is Voldemort inside him, if this is some result of something he had to do to defeat Voldemort, or if this is him—he had the chest monster in 6th year.

So he quits the Aurors for a wild life of depravity, and quits Ginny for a wild life of men. He thinks that relationships between men must be different, that he couldn’t get jealous and possessive like that over a man, that he couldn’t hurt a man. Of course he can.

So he quits the wild life of depravity for life as a hermit, and quits homosexuality for complete asexuality.

It’s Draco who draws him back out. Draco’s doing it because Hermione’s his boss and Harry’s problems upset her and he quite likes Hermione (fancies her even), also because hating on Potter helps him regain something of his identity and past, also because he’s obsessive and likes projects.

So anyway, Harry had never planned on hermiting forever, but he’s not quite ready, though it’s the kind of “not ready” he’ll always be if he doesn’t just do something. Draco tells him this but it’s so difficult to be so…weak before the likes of Draco, there’s a lot of resistence in Harry.

And while Draco through his persistence, his no-nonsense attitude, most of all him being so utterly convinced that Harry’s just being spoiled and indulgent and that nothing is actually wrong with him (being one of the only ones who doesn’t fear Harry. Draco having become quite reckless and a bit off his rocker himself, you see)—all of this make it so Draco is best to help him.

But it doesn’t mean that Draco understands him best. Because while a great deal of it is indulgence, it’s perhaps an indulgence Harry needs, an indulgence anyone might need because no one was ever meant to bear both his burdens and his power, and Harry really is dangerous. But Draco convinces him that even he doesn’t get to be special, which is wrong in some ways because he is special, but Harry would rather live as Draco suggests—trying to be a normal person, trying not to let it control his life—when maybe he should.

That is Harry represses the power—as he should to protect those around him—but possibly not in the best or most healthy way possible. And it’s Harry getting on his own two feet that helps Draco back onto his. Draco approaching Harry and forcing him and being there for all his explosions was really crazy and risky, but just as now Harry is trying to be normal Draco tries to be normal with him, settle down.

So then they come to almost a happy medium wherein they’ve started this tentative relationship. Harry’s finally thinking he can do it and he’s got it under control. And now that Draco’s done this for Harry, he realizes his own healing has been spotty and unhealthy and there’s been a lot of repression (which he does not parallel to Harry’s healing, not realizing 1. That harry’s healing has been insufficient because he never realized the true problem in the first place, and 2. That what he needs is “healing”; he experiences it as needs. He does not see himself as broken.)

So Draco wants to address those needs but somewhere deep down he knows he is broken and so feels incapable, but he does not admit that. He knows he cannot ask for what he needs but feels Harry should be able to divine it because he after all divinged all Harry’s problems (which he didn’t). So because he cannot admit everything he needs he sets up a complex situation in which Harry will choose to give him Veritaserum and Draco will have to reveal what he needs.

What Draco reveals under the serum is that he’s more broken than he’s previously admitted, which horrifies him, but he still needs things which mostly have to do with Harry domming him.

Which of course Harry can’t do, because it has to do with power and control and possession. It has to do with everything he was trying to repress—powers which could’ve been Voldemort’s, but maybe also a longing for control that could be entirely his own, that has to do with entitlement, being a hero, feeling owed, being used and abused all his life—all these things, they could make Harry a monster.

But eventually Harry realizes Draco needs him the way he needed Draco, and while now he sees (as he vaguely knew before) that Draco never knew the depths of what was wrong with him, he doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if Draco knew what he was doing, no matter what Harry had suffered or was suffering, he’d still have to suck it up. And Draco had helped him do that, and now he would help Draco.

What ensues is lots and lots of smut. Mostly smut after smut. But I’ve been thinking recently that possibly this could get quite ugly. With Draco not understanding what Harry really went through, and why Draco himself needs what he needs—with Harry not understanding why Draco needs it either—especially with Harry not being healthy himself, with feeling so much shame that he’s trying to act this way for Draco but it may be what he really is, shame that Draco doesn’t know these are things he really wants, with Draco understanding that Harry is ashamed but not quite understanding why, and feeling weak and broken for needing these things. I mean, Draco could even realize what was really wrong with Harry in the first place, and that he is making Harry revert, and Draco can’t stop it because he needs it.

Like, it could get to the point where they’re acting out fantasies that should’ve only ever stayed in the bedroom, like Harry sharing him with people, sharing him like a possession, like an object, which turns them both on but horrifies them both also because they actually care about each other, and it might’ve been a fantasy that was okay and accepted and healthy in the bedroom, but since they’ve been acting on the things they need, they feel compelled to act on this, too, like they’re punishing themselves, or thinking this is who they are, instead of understanding that their desires and their souls are not the same.

And it could be really ugly if to try to give Draco what he wants and needs Harry starts taking Felix Felicis. Like he took it when Draco first asked what he wanted under Veritaserum, and Harry realized if he did give Draco what he wanted he could lose control, really hurt Draco, have it not just be the fantasy Draco wanted to act out. So he took the potion, and they had a nice time, something that made neither of them ashamed, something that was beautiful and showed how much they were equal and respected each other even though Harry treated him like a slut and Draco liked it. But then Harry starts taking it every time, and in canon I think this is supposed to make you overly bold and brash, and Harry could really start even doing things to Draco even when Draco doesn’t want them, and that could make Harry hate himself more, and Draco hate himself more thinking that Harry thinks this is what he really is and what he really wants, with Draco even thinking maybe this is what he deserves for making Harry act this way, and stuff.

But of course somehow it works out in the end. Possibly Harry goes off hermiting again, caving into himself as he had done before, but Draco won’t let him and he’s angry and tells Harry to get off the potion. So that it’s Harry who’s strong enough between the two of them to end the ugliness, but it’s Draco between the two of them who’s strong enough to realize they both deserve another chance. And Draco says something like, come to me when you’re off the potion.

But of course Harry doesn’t—he does get off the potion but he doesn’t think he deserves…so of course it’s Draco who comes to him, and Draco who’s got to do his own healing too, and so it’s Draco who is on a potion, but it’s Veritaserum. And under it he tells the other truths that he never said, because he was so focused on himself at first, and later he was so ashamed of what he himself was. And he says his whole, needing Harry to dom thing was partly about weakness, it was about hating himself and self loathing, but it was a strength to, or a shield at least, to hide something he had thought was even weaker, and that was love. So he said in a way it was a lie, the things he asked him for under Veritaserum. And now under it he says he loves Harry, and all the ways he wants Harry that are about love and respect.

And it needs to be established that the things they both want, the kinky things too, even the things that deal with shame, are good, can be good for them, healthy, as long as they maintain their own love and respect for each other and for themselves, too.

It’s like Secretary, in a way. That’s a really good movie.